Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dgn jalan sabar dan mengerjakan
sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada orang-orang yang khusyuk.

Al-Baqarah 2:45


my first day.


My smaller sister said that my blog is depressing. Haha! If you read this, hye smaller sister! Sorry for that. I know that she reads my blog. It's just that I'm not sure of how frequent that she reads my blog. I'll try my best to make this blog more inspiring and informative for the readers. TRY. :p

Okay. That's for the introduction. Now, for the contain. Yesterday was my first day. Of what? I guess you should understand already. Fact is, the p.i.c. was on leave. So, I didn't get stuffs for to do my task yet. The only thing that I can do is to review the forms. Yet, until the afternoon, I end up bugging kakak. Luckily she don't have much work to do yesterday. She taught me about her work. Lots of numbers. Key in wrongly, problems occurs. The best thing is, my task, currently, none of the team members is doing the same as mine. And and and I am so gonna try to improve me English. More vocabs, please! :p 

Oh. I have a new neighbour. But's he's in different division. And I didn't have time to talk with him much except to say hye when I arrived.

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.



Planning things.


Last week, during the weekdays, I was busy helping Mommy getting lil brother prepared with his things for his tertiary education's registration. But actually I don't help much. Except guiding lil of how to open a bank account. And accompanying Mommy in the car. Hehe. Settled. And there was like I don't really remember when. Mommy was kind of worried about lil brother. Since he's the eldest son. I bet any mother's soft spot is the eldest son(if they have any). We were having a meal. And Daddy and Mommy was reminding him of how to manage himself during his studies, not to wake up late, and stuff. I bet your parents did this. 

There was this one point.
Mommy : We need to plan our future.
Me : I planned.
I guess Mommy does understood what I meant.
Mommy : But there are times where things doesn't happen the way we planned.

Sometimes, there are point where those frustrations came back. Suddenly I was full of hatred, anger, where I thought of revenge. I felt like I've wasted some years. Too many things to remind me of the past. But until that one point, I really need to let things go. Kena redha. I really do. If not, it's like I was being cruel to myself, my family, my friends and him. Just by not letting myself happy. 

And I went for lil bro registration. And it's my first time and last I guess. My lil brother is big already! All the best. Here goes. Another Actuarial student in making. Yet, if people are interested in doing mathematics, or actuary, I will really suggest them to go do Statistics. More companies needs statisticians, instead of actuary or mathematicians. That's what I thought. It's kind of tough to get job by your major these days.

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.

Kali pertama.


Beberapa tahun lepas, setiap satunya mesti diselitkan memori kisah itu. Kisah kau dan aku dan mereka. Manis, pahit, masam, masin semuanya kita telan sama sama. Atas dasar berbakti. Namun, tahun ini jualah, mungkin kali pertama bagi kali kali yang seterusnya, kisah yang setiap tahun itu tidak berlaku. Saya tidak tahu bagaimana hendak ditafsirkan perasaan ini. Bukan merajuk, bukan tawar hati. Cuma bersyukur, keputusan yang diambil itu tidak membunuh diri. Masih boleh hidup di bumi Allah ini. Namun, banyak lagi yang perlu diselesaikan. Tatkala tawaran datang untuk sama sama pergi dengan mereka, hati berbunga bunga, melompat lompat. Namun, kalau berterusan cair dengan ajakan mereka, sampai bila bila pun perjuangan itu takkan berhenti. Sampai satu masa, setiap satu yang dilakukan itu perlu ada titik noktahnya. Fokus kepada yang lebih utama. Andai ada peluang untuk bersama, dengan izinNya, pasti akan bertemu jua. Di sini, langkah kaki ini semakin perlahan untuk perjuangan itu. 

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.


I can only laugh.


Again, it happened again. And again, at first I refused. Playing with words. Dragging the topic. Making the conversation longer. At the end, I said, iff. Full stop. Sometimes, I don't understand parents. Like they want their kids to be like independent. Finding money, buying stuff themselves. I mean like, so that the kids learned of how to manage their pocket money. It's like, whoa, I'm so proud that my son/daughter is graduating in well known University in the whole wide world. Going to have a professional career. But, the problem is that, do you know that giving them tight budget, I mean if you don't listen to your sons/daughter much, they end up hooked up with debt with everyone around them.

Macam strict sangat kat anak pun susah. lenient sangat pun susah. I'm lucky enough that I grow up in a moderate family. There are times where parents do become strict. And there are times where they let us do what we wanted to. 

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.

go away, please.

Salam. few months it have been. yet the pain is still there. thinking that you didn't keep your promises. riza said, 'kalau dia lelaki yang baik, dia akan pegang janji dia'. sanchez said, 'kalau betul niat dia baik, Allah akan tolong'. tapi macam tak fair dia dapat move on. hati ini rasa jahat. macam taknak dia happy since apa yang dah jadi. i know i was also wrong. tapi macam, why does he needs to be in KL? and i yang kena elak dia? kenapa dia tak pergi je balik tempat dia tu? dia yang datang my territory. go away. i take back what i said. that we will still be friends. we will still be friends, if i can accept what happen. i met wrong people so that i will appreciate the right one. orang kata, jodoh kita sentiasa dekat je. i want to move on. i really really do, but you, please go away. back to your place. kat sana pun ada company yang you kerja tu kan? company you kan hebat, dapat bb, dapat line free, dapat bonus 8 bulan. pergilah sana balik. 


I'm not going!


Can you people stop asking that question? I'm not going to be a facilitator for KMNS's orientation week anymore. Go see the name list. My name isn't in there. So why should I even go there? Meeting? I don't know. 35:65. Not going:Going.

9(2) please be real.

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.


5 years has it been.


Last night, I can't sleep well. So I keep getting myself awake without me intended to do so. Around 5 a.m. in the morning, I realized that I get a text message in my Maxis phone. Read it for the first time. Huh? Read it again. And again and again. The next thing that happen is that the feeling of sadness comes. I feel bad. I wished I could be by her side.

Salam. Mak (Siti Hawa Mat Elah) selamat pulg ke Rahmatullah jam 9.23 pm td(kanser susu). Skrg kami di rumah Sepang. Kebumi esok insyaALLAH. Semoga ALLAH merahmati pemergian arwah mak. Amin.

I met her 5 years ago. Few times while me and Ainto were still roomies. And that's the last time. Al-Fatihah for aunty. May we meet in heaven. I hope, Ainto and family are strong enough accepting this news.

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.


Almost one hour.


It had been quite a while we didn't meet each other. I mean with this one person. Since... I don't remember when. But what I know is that it's like few months already. Tried to meet up. But everything is in ALLAH's hands. Maybe we'll meet up in better condition. Or at least, we still keep in touch. 

We chatted ourselves out. Although my voice sounded weird since I'm not in a good condition, and him himself wanted to disturb me at the first place, so we just talked ourselves out. Updating each other. All the best for your current studies. May you pass with flying colors. Flying Alwani.  Aha.

Me : We didn't talk for a long time.
Him : Not your fault.
Somehow, I feel bad with what happened. When you used to share almost everything; your favorite songs, articles, and suddenly everything changed, it felt different. I guess people do change. Or, I don't really know people, by heart. But I still believe that everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. 

And talking to this big little brother, somehow, he inspires me in his own way. Achieve your dreams. No matter how different it may become from ordinary people. As long as it's not against Islam, just do it. 

A best friend told me this. And I told this big little brother this. It's in Malay though. "Kalau niat kita baik, ALLAH pasti akan bantu kita." And he hold to this. And it happens to him. See?

It's like, when you've decided that you wanted to change, for a better person, HE will help us. In HIS ways. The thing is that, will we realize HIS help? It's like everything that we have in this world is according to HIS blessings. You won't feel that calm if you're not blessed.   

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.


The eternal life.


In these few days, I'm in a major dilemma. MAJOR. Or maybe I exaggerate. Have you been into the situation where you tried your best but somehow it looks like it doesn't turn out the way you expected. Thus you get another chance to get something similar with the first and somehow when it's time for you to prove that you deserved the second one, you get the news that you get your first chance? It seems that it turned out well somehow. Or at least, at that current time, it does turn out well. Way than you expected. Yet, you cannot back off from the second chance and you just work it out and somehow, you get through. Now, it;s time to choose. Which one is better. And time is running out. Decisions. Decisions.

The thing is that, I'm at home for... Almost a year now. Getting myself back on my feet. With some help from others, of course. Somehow, I guess, it's time for me to catch up. I'm left behind wayyy long than I've expected.  Try make yourself depressed. And you'll know. =p Or at least, I though I was.

Last few weeks, I went for an interview. Post? It's something related to customer service. Consumer product company. It's not Mathematics, of course. A friend asked, whether I wanted to try for that post. Send her my resume, some time later, I get a call.  Went for that interview, hoping for it. Since it's not in KL. Met that friend. She told me that her boss said that my English is good. But somehow, it seems that I looked preserved. Aha. That's when I lose hope. 

Last Tuesday, I playfully went applying for the same post I failed on the interview last few months. So the person in charge asked me whether I wanted to try for some other job. Located in KL. A bank. The interview was on last Friday evening. The p.i.c. called me on Thursday confirming that I'll go for that interview. Confirmed. 
Friday Morning, news was I got the job for the first one! "I'm preserved. Aha." Thus it makes me not wanting to go through KL for the interview. Hey no! Of course I need to maintain my reputation. I went there. WITHOUT ME STUDYING neither about the bank nor the job . And there goes, "What do you know about this bank?" I talked crap. And they condemned me. A bit. Finished the interview, the interviewer looks like they don't want me and I went for the LRT. I almost managed to get into the train until... the p.i.c. called. "Hey Alwani, where are you? You get the job. Can you come back?" "Seriously?" "Yes. Come back so I can explain." I went there again, told her I'm considering, and headed back home. The p.i.c. is so cool. I liked her style though.

how i wish this ERL existed in my home town.

And here I am, still considering. It's a bank. And did you know that if you used to work in a bank, chances for you to get hired by other banks is also high? It's good for your future. Did you know that? I do. And did you know that if you used to work with that X bank, the chances is higher to get hired by other companies? Okay. This statement is psycho. And did you know that the bank is in KL and it can make your heart breaks again? And did you know that what will happen to you if you are going through those public transports EVERYDAY with others coming back from work? And did you know that if you can go through all these it shows that you are actually a strong girl. Stronger than you've expected? And did you know that you have a really selfish, and ridiculously jealous big brother that wants you to grow up?

It's true. It's a bank. But I don't wanna get myself hurt anymore. I don't wanna do stupid stuffs anymore. I wanna be nice. And good. And I wanna be happy in the eternal life. 

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal.

You know what’s beautiful?

Your eyes blinking, your pupils dilating when you’re euphoric, the curve of your smile, the shade of your teeth, the arch of your back, the fingers typing, the breathing thing you do, the thoughts. Your thoughts. How you think is beautiful; how a thought comes to mind is…a miracle, how you operate, how you are; just you. In every sense of the word; all your blood cells, neurons, organs, your limbs, your soul. You are breathtaking, mashaa’Allaah.


You can’t control the things that happen to you but you can control the way you react to them. It’s all perception.
You Again (Movie)