I'm writing this in mixed feeling.
Let me start with something happy.
Aydan
When I started to work after maternity, and Aydan started to school, my routine is a rollercoaster. berterabur. Daily target is to get out of house by 740, so that I can reach office by 830, and go home by 530 without feeling guilty. SOund easy kan? So kena start bagi Aydan tidur by 9pm at night in order for him to be able to wake up around 7 am next day, feeling fresh, and yang paling penting, happy and tak nangis. Pagi pagi siap mandikan dia. Cause Kak Shiela ada cakap, satu cara nak bagi babysitter sayang anak kita is, mandikan dia pagi pagi. A while jugak buat macam tu. Then Bila end of last year rasanya, dah tak mandikan dia, just tukar diapers je. so Aydan pun bolehlah bangun about 730 macam tu, sebab nak kena tukar diapers and cuci mata dia je.
But since Aydan dah pandai jalan ni, and bulan puasa dah start, so dia pun bangun awal, and mandikan dia. Siap pakaikan dia stokin and kasut. And now bila dah masuk kawasan sekolah, I'll hold his hands and bawak dia jalan to his class. This mandikan dia bila pagi makes so much different. He's more energized, and yang paling penting is happy and tak refuse bila letak kat car seat. much easy to handle. dah turun bawah, dekat pintu, dia dah tau akan pakai stokin, pakai kasut, and dapat makan biskut dalam kereta. Bila sampai kelas pun, baik and happy je.
Bila tinggalkan Aydan dalam keadaan happy and tak menangis, nak pergi kerja pun senang. Takde rasa susah hati ke apa. And by the time nak balik mesti rindu nak peluk gomol gaduh dengan dia lagi. And now since Aydan tak berapa nak minum susu at school, kena make sure dah bagi dia susu sebelum g school. And sekerap mungkin masa tidur malam.
Ok. Now part yang tak berapa best.
Phone
My phone rosak since last Wednesday night. So now, I'm not reachable. Effa tanya what happened, my heart says, maybe sebab masa Rabu malam tu, cakap dengan ibu and then sibuk tengok phone(Youtube) so Allah murka. Macam, Allah s.w.t. sayang, sebab tu everytime buat jahat or nakal sikit, mesti akan kantoi or, jadi benda macamni lah. So now, I'm not reachable. And memory card yang guna masa Aydan kecil dulu pun dah hilang.
Sekali tu kat ofis, nak balik awal 5 min rasanya, tengok tengok selisih pulak dengan boss kat pintu keluar sebab dia nak gi toilet. Ok cakap pasal ofis.
Ofis
I'm trying hard to be happy at work. Tak ada option nak berhenti kerja, with current financial situation. As I said, my financial situation is bad. Really bad. Passion at work dah hilang. Trying hard nak increase rating this year. I think I had turned down my supervisor's high expectation. Masa awal tahun lepas dia cakap, she have high expectations on me. Because I'm senior in my team, so expect I can lead. But bila yesterday, she asked me to share a screen yang dia tak boleh view. So nak go into system tu ada few steps of login. I answered "okay". Sambil tu cepat cepat login nak printscreen. Sekali boss cakap,"urgent pls". Is it that OK is not enough nak cakap kita tengah buat? What else should I answer instead? Okay, I login now? Oh. I should say that. Now it looks like I always delay things. Padahal, I'm already working on it. So now I should do things and SHOW that I'm doing it?
Kuih
This year memang tak nak jual kuih sebenarnya. But ada orang tanya. So ambil lah jugak stok kan. Every week pergi kilang kot. Every week. Tapi bila tanya yang jual tu dia cakap, OK nanti next week lah ambil. Sekali semalam dia hantar without notice, and then mintak transportation charge. And minta payment kuih. What the? I don't have any cash. Ok ada. Tapi tu duit angpau yang orang bagi which I plan to keep, yang boleh bayar 'duit transportation' tu je. and fikir nak guna duit tu untuk weekend ni. In case of terdesak kan. Rasa sangat terkilan. Sebab duit. Tahun depan taknak jual kuih dah. Kalau nak jual tu. I'll go drive myself pergi Beranang ambil kuih sendiri.
Rasa punya sedih sampai masa lactation tadi siap tidur. The depression tu datang balik. Sorry Aydan.
And right now, sangat sangat rasa nak lari dari rumah.
Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal. “The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.” :D
