Kerja tiada nilai.

Hi,
I woke up today feeling meh. Rasa frustrated. Tahun ni tahun ke 10 kerja sini as regular staff. Kalau campur contract, dah 12 tahun. This is my first job. I don't have benchmarks to compare. Macam other colleagues, they have benchmarks. What are the dos and don'ts. Macamana nak improve. For me, I just follow. I don't know if this can be done ke. Or we should improve this way ke. I don't know. Takde benchmark kan. Sekadar boleh tiru cara colleagues deal.

Pagi ni, semua nota-nota kata good job, keep up the good work la, I throw it away. Buku2 nota lama pun. Dulu kan, nak sangat position Planner ni. Rasa gah. Masa tu baru masuk as Supply Chain Assistant. kerja key in data dalam Excel. Sebab ada literacy in Excel masa tu, my exboss hired me. Lepastu jadi CS. Bila jadi CS, I blew it up. They moved me jadi Buyer. Sebab CS ni multitask. The bosses catch that I struggle with multitask jobs. Bila jadi Buyer tu OK sikit. Then move jadi Production Planner. Kenapa nak position ni? Sebab kan Pengerusi Alumni. Bila pihak sekolah tanya kerja apa, diorang nak yang hebat-hebat. Tapi yang hebat-hebat tu mana ada masa nak layan pihak sekolah macam-macam ni. So kitorang yang kerja biasa-biasa ni la yang jadi AJK. Nama Production Planner ni relate sikit dengan Degree in Maths. But actually, kalau education, ada Course Supply Chain Management kalau tak silap.

Anyways. Kerja ni takde nilai. Setakat siapkan kerja. Dapat gaji. Being kind wouldn't get the job done. Orang pijak kepala kita. Kena jadi aggressive. But being aggressive ni is against my nature.

I asked myself, apa yang aku buat selama ni? Duduk depan laptop sakit belakang, sakit mata. Dapat apa? Ada bagi sumbangan pape ke? Takde. Takde nilai.

Kerja yang paling satisfying dulu kan, jadi Instructor masa Kem Permata Pintar. I never thought I can be an Instructor. Boleh je cakap kuat-kuat masa ajar kan. Tapi tulah, Masters tak habis. Bodoh pergi bercinta masa Uni. Sekali hancur bercinta tu. Hancur masters tu. Duit pun habis.

I’m a bad mom.

Thank you and have a nice day!

- Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Overwhelmed.

Assalamualaikum,

It had been a really long while. I've been trying other ways to express myself. I guess it doesn't really worked. Rindu blogging. But the past posts are so much... tak tau nak kata la, makes me not so comfortable anymore, so I might hide them.  

Life is... Alhamdulillah I'm still alive. that's what I can say. 

It had been a year plus, with Covid '19 pandemic. And the numbers are increasing. 

Today noon, we battled ourselves to register for the vaccine. AstraZeneca. Iyah helped. Her hands are powerful. Dapat tolong registerkan herself, ibu and me. I'm nervous. but the slot will be in July. Jadi lambat lagi, sempat lagi nak turunkun berat, about 5kg. Is it ambitious nak turun 5 kg dalam 1.5 bulan? Sebulan 3kg. We try. 

Currently tengah taking this Sijil KAP, Kursus Asas Permata, konon nak jadi better mother. But as the time passes by. Rasa demotivated. I guess so much issues at home, which affects my feelings, and I end up shutting myself down. Life's unfair. Human is unfair. 

Part of me telling myself to give up. Part of me asking myself to hold on. I'm trying. I learned that I still keep grudge on what happened 10 years ago. Because I'm not happy, I don't want orang lain tu to be happy. Tapi... tak baik kan. Sebab if what happened doesn't happened, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have these two babies. 

There's just so much to write. There's so much things I'm thinking of right now. But it's almost 11pm. If I'm not sleeping now, I'm not going to be able to sleep. Sekarang susah nak tidur. 

Kalau tak ikhlas, buat apa pun tak jadi. Usaha doa tawakal. Stay safe. 

 “The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.” :D

 

Tabung.

Assalamualaikum,
Starting last year, intake to boarding schools and MRSM priorities the B40 students. And seeing senior schools nya Alumni, how they try to help the students, by funding and etc, I want to replicate the same thing to OrkedS. Tapi ikut kemampuan kami.
And especially bila ada SEF students dapat straight A's, I would want to do that. SEF is the tabung untuk B40 students for STF. Diorang jaga betul2.

It's just that, I'm broken from inside. Sekarang ni macam I'm just destroying myself from within. Dan bukan sebagai khalifah yang jaga amanat Allah s.w.t. Untuk sekurang2nya jaga diri sendiri dari benda yang merosakkan.

Thank you and have a nice day !

Noruaruwani

Ending 2019

Assalamualaikum

2019 almost reach the end tomorrow. Means that I'm reaching 32 tomorrow as well.
It's a very tough year. Indeed. I learned to adapt with long hours travelling. Less hours with children.

It's a bumpy ride through out the year. Lots of hiccups. Jatuh bangun. Jatuh balik. Bangun balik. Yet I'm still grateful to be alive. Lots have I learned. Especially in managing which are my priorities. Which are the ones that's in my hands. Yang kakla boleh control. Like, I cannot control the traffic, but I can control my emotions with my children, my husband. I cannot control what my husband thinks. But I can control how to make my husband understand me better. Our first year living together. So I learned more on his characters. Macamana nak ambil hati dia. Cuba alert on his favourites, his emotions. Like aware kalau dia macam ni, means he have things in his mind. He's indeed someone yang hard to express feelings. Ada hikmah why I have an ex character sejenis susah nak express feelings jugak. But I'm very grateful. Not perfect but there's improvement.

One thing I learned a lot is emotions. Emotions does impacts so much. Like how to handle when Aydan having tantrums. How to answer him nicely so that he will understand. Aysar, I'm still trying to understand him. A challenge indeed, cause ai have two to monitor. And Betullah, nak didik anak kita kena set a good example. Macam nak anak say sorry bila salah. Tapi myself have to say sorry. Dahlah kakla ego tinggi. It feels good bila dah say sorry. Tak guna jugak nak jaga ego tapi ada hati yang terluka and kita pun memang salah. Belajar menerima kesilapan is one important series in recent month ni.

Achievements.
Tapi, ada some achievements, happy moments this year. The day Aysar finally calls me "Ama". Padaha dah lama dia dah boleh sebut "bapak". Aydan's Sports Day. Aydan manage to finish up his course. Walaupun mula2 masa hantar to Aunty dia nangis. Lambat sikit warm up nya. Aydan's graduation day. I'm nervous sebenarnya masa tu. Cause last year he cried on the stage. Alhamdulillah all went well. Dia buat gaya2 macam the aunties taught him.

OrkedS.
Masih lagi dengan OrkedS. Hopefully year 2020 akan ada lagi banyak program and volunteers.


Thank you and have a nice day !

Noruaruwani.

I’m unhappy

Assalamualaikum,

There's a part of myself feels totally giving up, useless, me not being around doesn't makes any different. Giving up on life. But diri banyak dosa, takut mati.

My body pun is shutting down. Feeling pain all over. When you doesn't feel loved, rasa macam mayat hidup.
Everything that I do sux. At work, like I'm so lousy. Tak ajar betul2, I have taught semua sama macam what I did to Siew Ping masa maternity dulu. Nak kena explain myself.

At home, I lost control of myself. Jerit, tengking tu makanan harian dah. I'm totally breaking down inside. Sekarang dah malas nak reach out anyone. I can count how many words I communicate with my husband. Text semua tak reply but phone 24/7 kat tgn. Feels so isolated.

Weekends dah malas nak gi mana2. Maybe just balik rumah Enma je. CAuse Aydan wants to.

I tried so hard to fix myself and my heart. Apparently it doesn't work really well.

Thank you, and have a nice day.
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

-Sent from my iPhone

Lelaki

Lelaki memang macam ni ke?
Bila dia kt bawah, tak ada apa apa, kita ada untuk dia. Tapi bila dia dah kat atas, kita jatuh, ditinggalkan je kita ni. Not my first time jumpa lelaki macamni.
How can I not be not trusting people kalau macam ni?

Sent from my iPhone

Aydan's milk journey

Assalamualaikum :)

I'm not sure if there's such term. I'm not sure if there's other way to describe somehow. 

I only able to fully bfeed Aydan until he was 15 months. Due to my 2nd pregnancy. I don't want to harm the baby so tried to wean off Aydan. It was... A struggle. We don't know which powdered milk to start with. So I requested for so much samples. Different brands. Somehow Aydan refused. When he was admitted in the hospital due to Bronchilitis few days after Aidilfitri, abam bought Karihome. Abah(FIL) and kaklong was suggesting to buy him goat's milk as less rich and might help especially when Aydan easily gets phlegm. Somehow Aydan refused to drink that at home. At school, he's drinking but bila balik rumah, dia taknak. I tried changing his milk bottle, and teats. Strange thing is dia minum at school so sebenarnya dia just taknak je. Bukan problem dengan bottle or teats pun. Somehow we manage to figure out that he likes the dutch lady choc milk yang kotak tu. So at home memang minum yang tu. Stock up lah sehari minum like 3 kotak KID tu, one week like 24 kotak? Pricewise, still OK. Sebab if one month about RM100. Until one night, Aydan become cranky I don't know why. Lucky abam was around, he asked, if OK untuk buat susu Karihome for Aydan? I told him, trylah. So abam brought Aydan together with him to the kitchen and engaged Aydan to assist making his own milk. Tolong goncang. And somehow, he drank it! Allah makbulkan jugak doa kakla. Untuk lembutkan hati Aydan minum susu Karihome. 

Aydan is turning 30 months next month. And last time masa Aydan 2 years pun Paeds dah cakap suruh try bagi susu lembu. Bukan susu kambing tak elok, elok, but susu lembu have more kalori. Now kita nak bagi Aydannya weight naik banyak sikit. And the doc takde suggest mana mana brand. Dia cakap, mana mana brand pun OK. Sebab dia boleh makan yogurt, susu yakult bagai so looks like takde allergies. At least the doc's explanation are reasonable. Takdelah macam orang lain yang asyik bising nape tak bagi susu lembu but not telling why kena bagi susu lembu. My first target was nak bagi Aydan start minum powdered cow's milk masa dia 3 tahun. Tapi, masa tu taste buds dia lagi hebat kan. So I intended for dia bulan September nanti. But alang alang susu Karihome dia dah nak habis, and we were on leave for few days, I bought another milk to test. Alang alang, and lagi senang nak monitor. 

Pergi Manjaku. Stock susu Karihome always ada. Nak read through the ingredients for other milk brands. Oh my. Sangat banyak pilihan. And, sangat banyak size. Perasa. Vanilla. Asli. Madu. Coklat. My first target was Pediasure since Wafiy minum yang tu. Let say Aydan taknak, I can bagi Wafiy. But the box is so big. Takde size kecik. And pricewise, the bug box is 100+. If nak ask for samples, nak tunggu hantar lagi. And normally they just give like 2 sachet je. Tak cukup if nak test for a week kan. So fikir kan kawan opis dah downgrade susu anak dia dua kali. Dari S26 PE gold to I don't remember. And dari I don't remember to Anmum Essential. Dia rajin buat research so my conclusion is, most probably Anmum ni OK. Read through the ingredients cakap takde gula tambahan. Tak jumpa glucose. Tak jumpa sucrose. Tak jumpa lactose. Tak jumpa maltodextrin. Yang bunyi macam sugar tak jumpa. 1.2 kg for about RM66. Karihome was 900 g for RM112+. Bismillahitawakkaltualallah. I took Anmum for Aydan's age. 

Balik tu try, campur susu kambing+lembu. Aydan minum. The next one, Anmum sahaja. Pun Aydan minum. I tried bancuh for myself to taste too. Not bad. Takde rasa typical rasa susu kanak2. These few days Aydan's poo poo looks normal. I hope this milk serasi dengan Aydan and I don't have to crack my head fikir nak beli susu apa pula lepas ni. Bukan sebab berkira duit dengan anak. Oklah. Lega sebab it's much cheaper. And lagi penting is this is ikhtiar nak naikkan berat badan Aydan. These few days pun at home,  Aydan macam lagi nak makan nasi. So I really hope this change is good for Aydan. I really do. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Noruaruwani

Many times.

Many times, I get super upset with unkept promises. Many times, I gave another chance, telling myself that mana tau, kali ini dia akan tunaikan. I'm at the state of giving up on this r/ship. This statement will kill me. I know. But I cannot lie anymore. The spark isn't there anymore. The only thing that keeps me holding on is Aydan. Because the happiness in his eyes. At least, someone else is happy from my actions. At least.

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Teringin.

There is this few things yang kakla sangat sangat teringin. 

1. Iphone 7 128gb Rosegold. Sebab ofis uses IOS for pushmail. Android tak boleh. Hoping that dengan medium ni I can perform better. Boleh reply email on the go. Follow up incoming shipments. Takyah bukak lappy at home. Sebab anak dah dua kan. But risiko, I7 ni lagi fragile. Xperia z1 compact that I'm using ni jatuh banyak kali still ok. 

2. Beli yang bonet letak atas Myvi tu. I don't think buying a new Sedan will help me. Sebab nanti ada lagi loan baru bulan2. Lagipun only need bigger space bila travel je. Kalau setakat hari2, sekarang only me, Aysar and Aydan je. Ala klu sedan pun, letak dua car seat, takle org naik jugak. Sekarang target nak settlekan hutang credit card and rumah je. 

3. Habiskan Masters. Misi 2021. Masa tu Aysar dah 3 tahun. Nak sambung Masters lagi. And nak siapkan. Maybe PJJ. And xsure if Still nak buat Maths or not. See if ada Masters course yang beneficial utk kerja sekarang. Most probably statistics? Sebab need to learn forecast stuffs. Idk yet. InsyaAllah.

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Why?

If tak nak bawak Aydan go see Doc sebab jatuh tangga, why bother nak text msg pasal ubat and makan Aydan?

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Aydan jatuh tangga

Assalamualaikum 

At first abam was downstairs with him. Bagi makan. I'm still unsure if Aydan ada makan ke tak. Lama jugak. I'm upstairs dengan Aysar. Aysar tidur so I was looking for materials nak siapkan hw Aydan. 

Then like heard abg marah marah Aydan. "Awak tu demam..." He came upstairs tinggal Aydan nangis nangis jalan naik tangga. He came to me, ajak turun. So as I was following him. Kain batik terburai so berhenti kejap betulkan. Tak sempat nak stop him from walking down the stairs. So he did. He tripped his legs. It was so fast. Tak sempat nak catch kena kepala dulu ke roll dulu. I thinj he rolled first. And then kepala kena parquet tangga. Cepat cepat turun hug him. Check him. He cried. Tapi lepas tu dia macam OK ajak turun jugak pergi fridge. Nak amek Calciyum. I checked his legs and arms. Asking him sakit mana mana tak. Dia tak respond so mkst probably OK. Sebab if sakit normally he will tell. So pergi fridge amek Calciyum. He eats while walking, ajak dia naik atas. Naik together. I go picked Aysar yang tengah nangis dalam bilik. Abg tengah siap. And was telling he's going to Semenyih. Abg was insisting to bring us go Semenyih cause alasan nobody ada. I answered yang Semenyih pun bukan ada orang and he's not going to be around. Pergi jog la.  Ibu came late thinking he's around this morning. Asked him takyah bawak Aydan gi check ke sebab Aydan jatuh tangga. And banyak steps pulak tu. Like 4 5 steps. He said takyah. And I ajak Aydan makan depan TV. Sebab keeps tumpah. Abg salam Aydan and went out. Aydan tak habis his Calciyum and pushed it to me. He puts his head on the pillow and slept. That was when I become worried. And called ibu. Kitorang bawak Aydan g klinik. Doc says he looks OK. Monitor for 24 hrs. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran/

School.

Untuk Aysar, I found a bs. Ralat sebenarnya takde bajet untuk hantar Aysar kat tempat sama macam Aydan. Sebab I see banyak sangat advantage. Macam bila tengok teacher pengemas, OCD, in positive way, Aydan pun terikut. Aydan jadi jenis yang proper. Pandai main sendiri. Berani nak bagitau apa dia nak. Tak plan nak withdrawAydan from school and hantar BS sebab Aydan dah school kan. Nanti hantar BS kesian pulak dia bosan ke apa. Lagipun member dah ada kawan2 kan. 

Taktau nak expect apa nanti. 

But Target tahun ni rating bagus lagi supaya gaji naik. Thn lps company doing well pun naik 4% je. Kemut betul. 

Next year nak cari tempat yang ada school jugak untuk adik. Xtau la taska/tadika Semenyih ada option apa kan. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

2nd child.

Assalamualaikum,

Alhamdulillah I safely delivered our 2nd child on 6/Apr. This is one date that used to be so important one while ago. Things changed, and no reason to be remembered then. But now, I have a child with this date as birthday so, oh well, kena ingat juga. 

We tried to have a normal delivery. But Allah plans better. I had 2nd EMLSCS due to same reason FD. Maybe, stress during labour is just not for me. It's quite frustrating you know. Sebab belajar AMANI masa time Aydan, but in the sense of application, I failed. Twice failure. And it was a traumatic experience. Though post operation,  I feeled much better than the first time, but overall,  I barely want to talk about the experience. The first one, I hardly can move on the first day, badan angin je. my Urine bag was only taken off like 12 hrs after? But 2nd one, I can move(slowly I mean) in 6 hrs, Urine bag was off in 6 hrs. 

Ok. Baby. It's a boy. My rules was if a boy, biarlah Muhammad A. If a girl, Nur/Nor F. A bit of combination of both parents. Sebab nak dapat anak pun bukan senang kan. EMLSCS pulak tu. 😅 Different from Aydan, I conceived adik accidentally/unexpectedly. Macam Aydan, kita hoping/trying to conceive. So nama adik have to mean something like rezeki/anugerah/hadiah dan memenuhi syarat Muhammad A. We found one tapi the word is not in Arabic. So masa day 10, tengah q kat KK untuk follow up adik's jaundice(which now Alhamdulillah dah tiada), I browsed through website nama nama anak lelaki(again) for the tak tau la berapa kali. And found Aysar. Tanya Kak Ngah. Kak Ngah cakap ada banyak maksud but kita ambil yang baik baik which is kaya/mudah. Kak Maz(kakak opis kesayangan) cakap "InsyaAllah kaya akhlak dan harta, mudah di bawa bicara..ameen". Kaya sebab rezeki yang Allah s.w.t bagi without kami sangka. Ya Allah, murahkanlah rezeki kami. Tu termasuk dalam doa lepas solat hari hari so Alhamdulillah Allah s.w.t. dah makbulkan. Mudah, sebab yelah, unexpected conceive kan. So tanya Abam. And he agreed. 

I know. Still envy dengan those kenalan/friends/ipar duai yang dapat bersalin normal. So banyak kali try pujuk hati. Hadiah dari Allah. Hadiah dari Allah. Yang penting anak sihat. Yang penting anak sihat. Tipulah kalau cakap camni je dah boleh lupa. A friend of mine dah pregnant anak no 4 dah. Boy.boy.girl.no 4 tak tahu boy ke girl ke. Dia tak expose lagi. Made me feel sangat loser amongst ipar duai sebab semua boleh normal tau. Let me heal myself. All these feelings need time.

Aiman made a joke. He said. Aiman tahu anak kakla yang lepas ni nama apa. "Ayman". Macam tak boleh je nak letak nama Ayman. Sebab bapa saudara yang rapat kan. Nanti confuse. Just hope, if ada rezeki nak pregnant lagi 3 years, ada rezeki girl pula. Yet somehow, IDK if I can forget the traumatic experience. Nak demand klu next bersalin nak bersalin Andorra or Annur, macam 8k, banyak benda boleh buat duit tu. Simpan lah diit sikit2 dari sekarang. 

Semoga, dengan rezeki anak, murah rezeki kami sekeluarga. My hope is high on my career. Nanti balik kerja tinggal lagi 6 months. Bulan 10 boss dah start evaluate. So hopefully performance bagus, dapat rating at least 3 lagi and gaji naik lagi. If dapat naik grade lagi bagus. Yeah. My hopes are high. Since takde plan nak pindah tempat kerja kan. And, ada wawasan 2020. Maybe 2021. We'll see. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Dunia dah terbalik

Assalamualaikum 

Sekarang dunia dah semacam terbalik

The husband complaint, merajuk bila si isteri xde duit nak bayar susu anak. Where else husband's obligation bayar nafkah, makan minum anak anak dan isteri. Take for granted all this while wife yang bayar most of the things, susu anak, diapers anak sendiri, guna duit sendiri.  

Or when anak dah kahwin, but bapak still nak hulur duit or tanya anak ada duit tak bila mintak anak belikan something. Tebal muka nak cakap takde duit. Though it's the last rm50, and next week baru dapat gaji, I'll always try to say 'ada'. But gaji is like next week baru masuk. So jenuhla ngorek tabung lepas tu kan...

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Hate

Hates it when people makes promises and breaks it at the end of the day. Many times. And when I no longer trust, he complaint, why can't I trust him? Kalau dah 100 janji, 5 je boleh pakai, can I trust again?

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Kelab ke alumni?

Dah macam kelab yang penasihatnya kaunselor. So much of professionals lah kan masing masing bila sikit sikit nak tanya cikgu. Baik xyah ada pres. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Pyjama Drama.

Assalamualaikum 

Walaupun tempat hantar Aydan ni is full day programme and have activity macam macam, the school still ada extra curricular activity (ECA) after preschool hours. Maybe actually intended for bigger kids tapi still cater for younger kids, as young as 2 y/o. Cuma they break ikut age group. So one of the ECA is Pyjama Drama. It's not new in Malaysia. Dah few years back. Tapi baru start dengan school Aydan. And I'm quite interested with it untuk enroll Aydan sebab nampak Aydan minat playrole, imagine. So masa 24 Feb hari tu ada trial class. But mixed dgn budak besar. Aydan shows how uncomfortable he is. But towards dah nak habis class tu, dia baru nak warm up. Especially bila part nak kena clean up balik the instruments. Kalau Aydan join, dia akan masuk kelas 2-3 y/o. Cumanya. Budak 2 y/o yang datang, is only him. 3 y/o ada la a few and ada yang sama class dengan Aydan masa he was in infant care dulu (3 -18months). So thing is, last nak register is tomorrow. Next week ada lagi satu trial class but by age group. And if jadi nak join, this month bayar half fee je. Abang tak bagi join. Macam cakap nanti dia besar sikit. But I can believe takkan ada pun. Lagipun tahun depan most probably tak sekolah sini dah. Bukan sebab fees. Tapi sebab akan pindah rumah. InsyaAllah. And yes, I'm degil. Tak taulah. Macam when it comes to Aydan, I don't mind to spend. And sebab grow up, ada 3 benda yang bapak tak berkira. Education, health, food. But bila kira nak bayar hutang semua, tak cukup nak bayar extra untuk enroll kelas pun. So rasa sangat ralat. Cause I don't know bila nak ada opportunity ni. But boleh je nak work harder kan. Cuma, perlu tak? Intention nak hantar drama class ni bukan untuk dia jadi pelakon ke apa. But nak boost dianya self esteem. And bagi dia berani cakap kat depan. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

A day in a glance.

Assalamualaikum 

Life is hectic, stressful and messy nowadays.

Always rushing. 

I hardly wake up early now. Kadnag bila terjaga at 2, susah nak tidur balik. End up about 7 baru bangun. Pumpampumpam, 8+ keluar rumah, send Aydan. Sampai office 9+. Bila sampai office, emotions dah x ok. Sebab dah stress drive nak sampai cepat.  The adrenaline rush is no fun. Orang lain sampai office before 8. As per agreed dengan boss, dia kata my clocking is 830-530. Tapi now, asyik sampai lambat. Work efficiency is affected. Email tak habis baca. Report tak siap elok. PO tak habis issued. Then by 520 dah kena log off supaya by 530 dah kat dpn lif or dlm kereta. Sampai at Aydan about 615. Another rush. Kadang kesian dia tunggu lama. Kalau hujan lagi teruk. Traffic is even worse. Bila ada adik, IDK how to manage, what to expect. Macamni pun dah rasa penat. Ibu was like, kakla layan jela Aydan. Masa nak dapat iyah pun kakla super clingy. So dah jadi macam what comes around comea around la kan. I tried to stay calm, layan dia nak apa... But until one time, I'm very exhausted and snapped. Take 5. I will leave him for a while, then datang balik. Sebab taknak my words make him sad. But sangat sangat psycho bila kejap you like a breathing dragon then one while jadi setenang air di tasik. Aiman jadi saksi all. Sometimes,  kalau Aiman is in a good mood, dia akan tolong entertain Aydan. Bawak Aydan bukak kasut, naik atas. 

House is in a mess now, sebab tengah treatment anai2 so banyak tempat Aydan takle gi kat bawah tu. Just main kat atas je. And now tengah takde air. I'm trying hard nak clear laundry. Baju baju dah packing dah. But mentally I'm not ready yet. 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

Crap

Can't tell how crushed my heart is. Bila you did everything yourself for the sake taknak kena maki tak nak kena marah taknak nyusahkan WALAUPUN it's their obligation and people said, you don't love them. 

I stopped sharing my stories. Sebab people was busy and just want to sleep kan. Sleep is more important than anything else. So I told my stories to Aydan. Then, sibuk pulak nak ambil tahu. No use bercerita pada yang tak sudi. 

Last few days gigih pergi sana sini sorang sorang. I can't tell how painful my tummy is. Tak taulah it's tummy ke, uterus ke. But it's painful. Tak tau pun nak describe what it is. 

Everything kena buat sendiri kan. Angkat berat2 semua sendiri. Baju for laundry dari tingkat atas turun bawah. Dari bawah naik atas balik. Then bawak turun buang sampah kat luar bawah. Or dari dapur bawak luar. Or angkat Aydan turun with bags. Or bawak Aydan naik with bags. Or Aydan with raga baju. The tempat jahit dulu rasa makin sakit now. And I'm really worried tak dapat nak deliber normal this time. Bukan salah kakla I got pregnant. I blamed husband. I told him many many times taknak pregnant until Aydan is 2. And now, semua benda nak lepas tangan. Bila minta buang sampah bagi alasan, Aiman x buang langsung ke? Then said he won't throw. Dah kalau kau tak buang, aiman tak buang, sape nak buang? Aydan? Then you said, sayang bini. Bullshit! 

Thank you & have a nice day,
Nor Alwani Binti Amran