Ending 2019

Assalamualaikum

2019 almost reach the end tomorrow. Means that I'm reaching 32 tomorrow as well.
It's a very tough year. Indeed. I learned to adapt with long hours travelling. Less hours with children.

It's a bumpy ride through out the year. Lots of hiccups. Jatuh bangun. Jatuh balik. Bangun balik. Yet I'm still grateful to be alive. Lots have I learned. Especially in managing which are my priorities. Which are the ones that's in my hands. Yang kakla boleh control. Like, I cannot control the traffic, but I can control my emotions with my children, my husband. I cannot control what my husband thinks. But I can control how to make my husband understand me better. Our first year living together. So I learned more on his characters. Macamana nak ambil hati dia. Cuba alert on his favourites, his emotions. Like aware kalau dia macam ni, means he have things in his mind. He's indeed someone yang hard to express feelings. Ada hikmah why I have an ex character sejenis susah nak express feelings jugak. But I'm very grateful. Not perfect but there's improvement.

One thing I learned a lot is emotions. Emotions does impacts so much. Like how to handle when Aydan having tantrums. How to answer him nicely so that he will understand. Aysar, I'm still trying to understand him. A challenge indeed, cause ai have two to monitor. And Betullah, nak didik anak kita kena set a good example. Macam nak anak say sorry bila salah. Tapi myself have to say sorry. Dahlah kakla ego tinggi. It feels good bila dah say sorry. Tak guna jugak nak jaga ego tapi ada hati yang terluka and kita pun memang salah. Belajar menerima kesilapan is one important series in recent month ni.

Achievements.
Tapi, ada some achievements, happy moments this year. The day Aysar finally calls me "Ama". Padaha dah lama dia dah boleh sebut "bapak". Aydan's Sports Day. Aydan manage to finish up his course. Walaupun mula2 masa hantar to Aunty dia nangis. Lambat sikit warm up nya. Aydan's graduation day. I'm nervous sebenarnya masa tu. Cause last year he cried on the stage. Alhamdulillah all went well. Dia buat gaya2 macam the aunties taught him.

OrkedS.
Masih lagi dengan OrkedS. Hopefully year 2020 akan ada lagi banyak program and volunteers.


Thank you and have a nice day !

Noruaruwani.

I’m unhappy

Assalamualaikum,

There's a part of myself feels totally giving up, useless, me not being around doesn't makes any different. Giving up on life. But diri banyak dosa, takut mati.

My body pun is shutting down. Feeling pain all over. When you doesn't feel loved, rasa macam mayat hidup.
Everything that I do sux. At work, like I'm so lousy. Tak ajar betul2, I have taught semua sama macam what I did to Siew Ping masa maternity dulu. Nak kena explain myself.

At home, I lost control of myself. Jerit, tengking tu makanan harian dah. I'm totally breaking down inside. Sekarang dah malas nak reach out anyone. I can count how many words I communicate with my husband. Text semua tak reply but phone 24/7 kat tgn. Feels so isolated.

Weekends dah malas nak gi mana2. Maybe just balik rumah Enma je. CAuse Aydan wants to.

I tried so hard to fix myself and my heart. Apparently it doesn't work really well.

Thank you, and have a nice day.
Nor Alwani Binti Amran

-Sent from my iPhone

Lelaki

Lelaki memang macam ni ke?
Bila dia kt bawah, tak ada apa apa, kita ada untuk dia. Tapi bila dia dah kat atas, kita jatuh, ditinggalkan je kita ni. Not my first time jumpa lelaki macamni.
How can I not be not trusting people kalau macam ni?

Sent from my iPhone